![]() As I approach the six-month anniversary of when Dad died, I’ve been pondering the mercy of God A LOT. In fact, I’ve been consumed with His mercy. Maybe it’s because I am in a season of life that is transforming me in ways that I never dreamed possible. Usually, I would feel quite unstable in a season like this. Let’s face it, who wants their entire life turned upside down and obliterated?? However, this season has been more stabilizing than most other seasons of my life. I have come to realize that it’s been nothing short of the mercy of God. The more I ponder the mercy of God, the more convinced I am of His mercy throughout my life … especially through the six-year medical journey with my father. Those six years (9/28/15-11/14/21) with Dad were traumatic. A world of medical chaos and medical decisions were dumped in my lap, and I had no help. People in our immediate family had their reasons for not being an active part in this journey. Those reasons used to anger me because I felt betrayed, rejected, and abandoned. Now, although I do recognize the immense betrayal, rejection, and abandonment, I see how God used their choices to remain distant as a severe mercy in my life. As I am beginning to struggle with some of the memories of our medical journey, I am -also- beginning to see the unseen hand of God. I see evidence of God working ALL things together for my good, for my father’s good, and for His great and eternal glory. The traumas of dealing with authorizing two brain surgeries, watching my Dad code more than once, more infections than I can count … and an endless list of what we endured together … it’s a lot! I still hear the sounds from the hospital machines. I can smell the smells. I was living in perpetual crisis mode. In the gracious mercy of God, I didn’t have time to analyze or evaluate anything at a deep spiritual level. As all of this was unfolding, A LOT of family members, acquaintances, and friends died. In the LORD’s gracious mercy, I was kept so busy with Dad and my work that I didn’t have time to process any of the losses. While it sounds strange to consider that a mercy, I see it as such because I wasn’t in a place to deal with those great losses in a way that would bring God the great honor He so rightfully deserves. Looking back at Dad’s health crisis, I see it as a severe mercy in my life. My Dad, who was broken by his own sinful choices, made decisions that affected most of my life in negative ways. When he got sick, much of the abuse I was subjected to by the hands of my father stopped immediately. The events I was accustomed to never, ever occurred again. In a severe mercy, the LORD used tragic, life-changing circumstances to put my Dad flat on his back. It was in those broken circumstances that God got Dad’s attention. In His severe mercy, the LORD allowed me to walk the medical journey with Dad alone … I learned how to love someone who wasn’t easy to love. I learned how to be flexible. I learned that I wasn’t incompetent to do the hardest things in life. It was also in this life-changing season that I learned that forgiveness - true forgiveness - is possible for the unforgivable things of life. Although most of the journey with Dad was a severe (and traumatic) mercy, a transition from God’s mercy being severe to it being gracious occurred in August 2021. That day is permanently burned into my mind. The date is unforgettable. One reason is that it occurred on my Aunt Polly’s birthday … but the events that day were just so not normal, so unusual that I’d never forget the date. I saw Dad and knew things were about to change for the worse. Dad … an avid reader could no longer read. Conversations with deceased family members were taking place before my very eyes. He was a retired truck driver who could no longer comprehend where he was and where his favorite places were in relation to where we were (in Memphis, TN). My heart was broken! Dad was different, and I knew it! For a few BRIEF moments, Dad was lucid … and then my miracle came. Those few lucid moments held the most precious gift as my father apologized for “being a horrible, mean father” and for “not supporting” his children. He apologized for neglecting us and for inflicting great pain. In THAT moment, I took my covid mask and face shield off. I got close to Dad’s face so he could see and hear me. As I held his hand and stroked his face, I explained that I can forgive the unforgivable in him because Jesus forgave the unforgivable in me. I told him I’d always love him (and I do & always will). A peace seemed to wash over my father in that moment. Three months later, Dad would be placed on hospice … and take his final breath. This once a mean, angry, abusive monster of a man wasn't the man I knew. He wasn't the same. The man before me after August 11, 2021, was at peace and rest, FINALLY! He was genuinely gentle. All I could do in those final days was reassure Dad of my love for him, reassure him of God’s love for him, and pray. I held his hand a lot. Silently prayed. And I relished every single heartbreaking, gut-wrenching moment I had to wipe his brow, help him get a sip of water, and wash his face. That November day that Dad began to aspirate, I took charge to clear his airway and remove everything from his mouth. As I apologized for hurting him, Dad touched my hand and said, "You didn't hurt me. I'm okay. I'm glad you are here." I saw Dad for the final time six months ago today ... November 10, 2021 ... Our parting words - even as he was in pain - were words of love. I live with the bittersweet knowledge that I made the call I never wanted to make to his hospice team, alerting them of his increasing pain. What I didn't realize was how soon Dad's life would be over ... had I known, I would have stayed. I would have walked away from every responsibility I had to be by his side ... The lack of knowledge pertaining to how little time we had left was, in and of itself, a gracious mercy from God. In God’s gracious mercy to my father, he was at peace in his final days. Forgiven and greatly loved. In God’s gracious mercy to me, I experienced the most humbling, bittersweet blessing of a journey as my father’s daughter … I was blessed to be a part of Dad’s story. I was able to see God work a miracle in my father’s life … and in my own life as He equipped me to forgive the man (who was once a monster) that He gave me as a father. God’s gracious mercy in my life is what equipped me to love my father … to the end and beyond. Yes, God is able to redeem ALL things. His mercy far exceeds our comprehension! “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21, NIV)
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