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The unthinkable acts of violence plague my beloved nation. Supermarket shootings. School shootings. Church/Synagogue/Mosque shootings. Random shootings on highways. Kidnappings. Assaults. It’s in the big cities. It’s in the small rural towns with little more than a flashing red light at a four-way stop … and everywhere in between.
We were gripped in agonizing horror on May 24, 2022, as a lone gunman entered Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX. An 18-year-old murdered his 66-year-old grandmother prior to entering the school and murdering over 20 people, mostly children. Children (and teachers) should be safe at school! Unfortunately, this simply isn’t the case anymore. The nation stands in solidarity against this kind of evil … as it should. Something needs to be changed. As the world watches, I am *somewhat* hopeful that changes will be put in place. Another evil that’s gripped my soul on a personal level revolves around the federal case concerning Joshua Duggar. I’ve kept quiet on this federal CSAM case, especially on social media and my blog. The very few people with whom I’ve spoken about this case offer insight on the polar opposite points of view when it comes to the actual “boots on the ground” advocacy against the atrocities committed against children of all ages. The opposite points of view have also revealed the mentality surrounding abuse cases, in general. To “keep the peace” and because these “cases are complicated to deal with,” as the Duggar case and many others reveal, the perpetrator/abuser is cheaply forgiven with little to no accountability demanded. The victims are often bullied into silence, even with subliminal bullying. Justice is denied … and their reasoning? “Vengeance is God’s alone” … This isn’t a reason. This vengeance argument is flawed on many levels. Here are just 2 … One, justice and vengeance are NOT the same thing. Two, God Himself has established the governing authorities to be representatives of His judgment on earth. Although it was said that the Duggar case doesn’t affect me directly, in many ways, it does. Many of the teachings he was raised with are found enmeshed in super conservative churches (which is also how abusers are being protected). A good bit of the religious training I am trying to unlearn came from the same cult teachings the Duggars are involved with … and promote, The Institute for Basic Life Principles. When I realized the sinister side of this dark, twisting of Scripture organization established by Bill Gothard (who himself has had sex scandals and lawsuits against him for his grooming/abuse of females), I began to break away. What people don’t understand … or what they willingly choose to ignore or turn a blind eye to … is that these things directly affect - even if they do not directly involve - survivors of childhood sexual abuse and people who were “programmed” by such cults as the IBLP. To declare otherwise is to invalidate our stories … to discredit the journey to healing … to discredit what God has done … and it minimizes the trauma and the ongoing battles we face with memories and nightmares and night terrors. As the Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX, tragedy unfolded, as the Duggar case approached the sentencing phase of the trial and as the sentence was handed down today (5/25/22), a scandal within the Southern Baptist Convention surfaced. Hundreds of pastors/clergy have been being protected as they have exploited, sexually abused, and raped people within their individual spheres of influence. The victims of these crimes have been silenced … FOR FAR TOO LONG! One day is too long; these people have been forced into silence for decades! As this list of names is soon to be released by the SBC (the set release date is 5/26/22), I cringe in apprehension. I fear who I may know on the list. It's made me sick, physically. And yet, there’s an overwhelming sense of relief. At least one of the clergy - who may or may not be listed because he had an adulterous relationship with an adult and didn’t abuse a child (as if adultery doesn't need to be addressed and exposed) - is a man that I had direct contact with because he was referred to me as a “biblical counselor” … Due to severe trust issues, I never saw him alone; however, that didn’t stop this individual from inviting me to his home (where he counseled people), stating his disabled wife was in the back bedroom. Having come from various abusive situations, I saw this as sketchy and dangerous. I stopped going to counseling … in spite of being told I was paranoid and needed to trust people. To this day, my anxiety is off the charts when I see a counselor ... male or female. Knowing what I know now, this particular individual was simply trying to groom me … The same people who referred me to this counselor are the ones who introduced me heavily to Gothard and the IBLP … When I spoke to them about the scandals involving Duggar, Gothard, and the IBLP, their response was similar to the one about the counselor. “Truth is truth, no matter who says it. You don’t stop reading Psalms because David sinned.” Even then, this was such a flawed argument to my spirit. It was garbage then. It’s garbage now. Satan masquerades as an angel of light. Paul the Apostle silenced the demon possessed slave girl in Acts 16. What she said was true; however, Satan only seeks to thwart the plan of God … and he will use any means possible, even words from the Bible, to do so. Our Lord addressed all of this evil insanity within the pages of His sacred Script. Evil will only increase as His return gets closer. We are called to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” in Matthew 10:16. NOT everyone is trustworthy, even inside the church. Proverbs 31:9 (& others like it) show God’s heart when it comes to advocacy work. “Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.” If we, as the church, aren’t willing to get our hands dirty … if we aren’t willing to stand with abuse victims/survivors … if we aren’t willing to obey this (& other like commands), we are guilty of enabling abuse. We are complicit in the crimes being committed. We are guilty before God. And we need to be on our faces before God in a broken spirit of repentance! Truth sets people free … Light dispels even the greatest darkness. Jesus said in John 8:12, “I Am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will NOT walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’ He, then, says in John 8:31-32, “If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” From the Old Testament to the New, we find that God is NOT like man! On a day/week like this, I'm even more thankful! The Lord doesn’t cover sin up. God the Father sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the penalty for our sins. A sacrifice that dealt with the eternal consequences of our sins … The sacrifice of Christ did NOT eradicate the earthly consequences for our sins, though. We see God’s heart towards those who are broken and crushed … by their own actions/words and by the actions/words of another … Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” This is another truth I'm holding to because this is a lonely path ... not many will dare to walk it with me. The One who is the Rock who never shakes, never breaks is with me ... and I'm thankful. Whether the evil is outside the four walls of the church for the whole world to see and to grieve over or the evil is inside the walls of a church building and is being swept under the rug as abusers are being protected and victims are being silenced, our HOPE is the same! His name is JESUS! The Jesus of the Bible … NOT man’s personal rendering of Him. The answer to protecting people from abusers is the same, inside the church and outside the church! Trauma-informed/trained counselors being made available for victims, no matter their faith/lack of faith, and accountability demanded and sought for ALL perpetrators … those inside and outside the church. Until we, as the church, are willing to truly repent of the abuse and the enabling of abuse, I’m convinced we will NEVER see the nation-wide revival that we've been praying for. If we’re not willing to hear the victims’/survivors’ stories, we might as well stop preaching and teaching … because our words are weightless and our “gospel” is a fraud. Are YOU willing to stand BOLDLY in the face of all evil? Am I willing to stand, knowing that when I do stand, memories/nightmares & night terrors are triggered? I WILL STAND … because I love Jesus and because I love people!
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 As I approach the six-month anniversary of when Dad died, I’ve been pondering the mercy of God A LOT. In fact, I’ve been consumed with His mercy. Maybe it’s because I am in a season of life that is transforming me in ways that I never dreamed possible. Usually, I would feel quite unstable in a season like this. Let’s face it, who wants their entire life turned upside down and obliterated?? However, this season has been more stabilizing than most other seasons of my life. I have come to realize that it’s been nothing short of the mercy of God.
The more I ponder the mercy of God, the more convinced I am of His mercy throughout my life … especially through the six-year medical journey with my father. Those six years (9/28/15-11/14/21) with Dad were traumatic. A world of medical chaos and medical decisions were dumped in my lap, and I had no help. People in our immediate family had their reasons for not being an active part in this journey. Those reasons used to anger me because I felt betrayed, rejected, and abandoned. Now, although I do recognize the immense betrayal, rejection, and abandonment, I see how God used their choices to remain distant as a severe mercy in my life. As I am beginning to struggle with some of the memories of our medical journey, I am -also- beginning to see the unseen hand of God. I see evidence of God working ALL things together for my good, for my father’s good, and for His great and eternal glory. The traumas of dealing with authorizing two brain surgeries, watching my Dad code more than once, more infections than I can count … and an endless list of what we endured together … it’s a lot! I still hear the sounds from the hospital machines. I can smell the smells. I was living in perpetual crisis mode. In the gracious mercy of God, I didn’t have time to analyze or evaluate anything at a deep spiritual level. As all of this was unfolding, A LOT of family members, acquaintances, and friends died. In the LORD’s gracious mercy, I was kept so busy with Dad and my work that I didn’t have time to process any of the losses. While it sounds strange to consider that a mercy, I see it as such because I wasn’t in a place to deal with those great losses in a way that would bring God the great honor He so rightfully deserves. Looking back at Dad’s health crisis, I see it as a severe mercy in my life. My Dad, who was broken by his own sinful choices, made decisions that affected most of my life in negative ways. When he got sick, much of the abuse I was subjected to by the hands of my father stopped immediately. The events I was accustomed to never, ever occurred again. In a severe mercy, the LORD used tragic, life-changing circumstances to put my Dad flat on his back. It was in those broken circumstances that God got Dad’s attention. In His severe mercy, the LORD allowed me to walk the medical journey with Dad alone … I learned how to love someone who wasn’t easy to love. I learned how to be flexible. I learned that I wasn’t incompetent to do the hardest things in life. It was also in this life-changing season that I learned that forgiveness - true forgiveness - is possible for the unforgivable things of life. Although most of the journey with Dad was a severe (and traumatic) mercy, a transition from God’s mercy being severe to it being gracious occurred in August 2021. That day is permanently burned into my mind. The date is unforgettable. One reason is that it occurred on my Aunt Polly’s birthday … but the events that day were just so not normal, so unusual that I’d never forget the date. I saw Dad and knew things were about to change for the worse. Dad … an avid reader could no longer read. Conversations with deceased family members were taking place before my very eyes. He was a retired truck driver who could no longer comprehend where he was and where his favorite places were in relation to where we were (in Memphis, TN). My heart was broken! Dad was different, and I knew it! For a few BRIEF moments, Dad was lucid … and then my miracle came. Those few lucid moments held the most precious gift as my father apologized for “being a horrible, mean father” and for “not supporting” his children. He apologized for neglecting us and for inflicting great pain. In THAT moment, I took my covid mask and face shield off. I got close to Dad’s face so he could see and hear me. As I held his hand and stroked his face, I explained that I can forgive the unforgivable in him because Jesus forgave the unforgivable in me. I told him I’d always love him (and I do & always will). A peace seemed to wash over my father in that moment. Three months later, Dad would be placed on hospice … and take his final breath. This once a mean, angry, abusive monster of a man wasn't the man I knew. He wasn't the same. The man before me after August 11, 2021, was at peace and rest, FINALLY! He was genuinely gentle. All I could do in those final days was reassure Dad of my love for him, reassure him of God’s love for him, and pray. I held his hand a lot. Silently prayed. And I relished every single heartbreaking, gut-wrenching moment I had to wipe his brow, help him get a sip of water, and wash his face. That November day that Dad began to aspirate, I took charge to clear his airway and remove everything from his mouth. As I apologized for hurting him, Dad touched my hand and said, "You didn't hurt me. I'm okay. I'm glad you are here." I saw Dad for the final time six months ago today ... November 10, 2021 ... Our parting words - even as he was in pain - were words of love. I live with the bittersweet knowledge that I made the call I never wanted to make to his hospice team, alerting them of his increasing pain. What I didn't realize was how soon Dad's life would be over ... had I known, I would have stayed. I would have walked away from every responsibility I had to be by his side ... The lack of knowledge pertaining to how little time we had left was, in and of itself, a gracious mercy from God. In God’s gracious mercy to my father, he was at peace in his final days. Forgiven and greatly loved. In God’s gracious mercy to me, I experienced the most humbling, bittersweet blessing of a journey as my father’s daughter … I was blessed to be a part of Dad’s story. I was able to see God work a miracle in my father’s life … and in my own life as He equipped me to forgive the man (who was once a monster) that He gave me as a father. God’s gracious mercy in my life is what equipped me to love my father … to the end and beyond. Yes, God is able to redeem ALL things. His mercy far exceeds our comprehension! “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20-21, NIV)  Beauty for Ashes: Healing through Everyday Life
Isaiah 61:1-3 speaks of our LORD Jesus ... and as I read these verses over and over and over again, I see these words describing what the Lord has done in my own heart and life, especially over the last several days and weeks and months. "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them BEAUTY FOR ASHES, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." (NKJV) It's been 24 weeks since Dad took his final breath ... 168 days. Based on a 4 week/28 day month, Dad's been gone six months. Technically, though, I'm still two weeks out from that six month anniversary. It seems so surreal that Dad's been gone this long. As I've been walking this road for a few months now, I continue to marvel at how the Lord has chosen to bring healing. To bring beauty from the ash heap that was left in my soul. Although losing Dad has been the hardest loss I've endured, thus far, I've learned that the Lord tailors the healing process to our individual lives. As someone who is more of an extrovert, the Lord has blessed me with some of the most healing relationships I could ever desire ... and the ironic thing is that we just "do life" together. What has taken me by surprise is how so much has changed for me while so much is the exact same. While a couple of my relationships have suffered, the Lord has met me in those challenges. A few relationships have suffered, yes. However, many relationships have been forged through this great loss ... forged and fortified. Many of these relationships have deepened to a level I never expected. Whether it's an impromptu visit on a porch, me wandering around the yard photographing my friends' gorgeous flowers, a cooking lesson, walking down my road, or drinking coffee, how thankful I am that the Lord has established these friendships. I'm living Psalm 68:5-6a out. It says: "A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families..." (NKJV). Recently, the ladies at church had the opportunity to go through Louie Giglio's 6-week Bible study "Don't Give the Enemy a Seat At Your Table." The timing of the study did NOT feel right. I had NO desire to be a part of the study; however, as I enjoyed a cup of coffee with one of my favorite people, she encouraged me to do the study. Honestly, I only signed up because she was doing the study. The first 2-3 weeks were B*R*U*T*A*L! I had no idea why I kept going ... but I stuck it out. Somewhere along the way, a breakthrough occurred ... It seemed so minor, at the time. As I look back, though, it shifted the trajectory of my journey. Life, truly, changed in unexpected ways. As these days have turned to weeks and the weeks have turned to months, the Lord has also allowed me to pursue my art and photography. He's blessed me with an art vendor booth at a local shop and with prospective opportunities to be a part of a couple of different art/craft fairs in the fall. The Lord has also allowed me to be a part of two different important events as a photographer ... a wedding and a senior's graduation pictures. the Lord has allowed the dawn to break through the dark night of my soul. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart." (NKJV). How thankful I am for the Lord's grace ... not just for salvation but for the gift of doing what I love. Yes, my LORD Jesus, You have given me the desires of my heart, and I am thankful! Has every day been perfect? Of course NOT! But there is great good in EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! The greatest good of every single day is that God is still seated on His throne. He's still the Rock that never shakes, never breaks. The One who is so faithful. He is the One who is here. He's still Emmanuel, God with us. While the Lord chooses to bring healing in various ways, He's chosen to use my normal everyday life to bring healing. To bring beauty for ashes. Soli Deo Gloria! |