2020 started like every other year.
           Dreams were held.
                  Vacation plans were made.
                         And new adventures awaited!
                            Church. Work. School. Birthdays. Weddings.
                                   Hospital visits. Nursing home & care home visits.
                                          Funerals.

Life was being lived, as usual … until it came to a screeching halt.
    Dreams were crushed.
       Vacation plans cancelled.
         New adventures weren't to be had … at least, not the kind of adventures people wanted!
             No church. No work, unless you were deemed “essential.”
                 School went to an online platform.
                    No birthday parties.
                         Wedding plans were drastically changed.
                          Visiting the sick or elderly were no more.
                    Even funerals were no longer happening, “as normal.”
              Then the riots started.
           Protests … a few were peaceful; however, the vast majority were not peaceful.
     Crime & murder rates skyrocketing.

New terminology began to dominate life …
Social distancing.
          Masks.
                COVID19.
                    Flatten the curve.
                        Stay-at-home orders.
                              Quarantine.

While all the negatives have been going on … and are still going on, in many respects … I began to experience a paradigm shift within myself in April. I was invited to an online retreat with women from Sioux Lookout, Ontario, (& my cousin in Edmonton, Alberta) … It was their first online retreat; however, with me present, it became their first international online retreat. My world expanded beyond what I've known the day I met these beautiful women! My heart was, instantly, knit to theirs in a way that I cannot describe.

During this online retreat, I was introduced to a new word … a beautiful Hebrew word … hesed. I was captivated by what I heard and learned about the GOD of hesed. And I desperately needed to know more! 

I read a book about hesed entitled Inexpressible Hesed by Michael Card.

I never would have dreamed that I'd encounter God the way I have encountered Him … an encounter that was made possible only by God's gracious providence and this particular path of life ... a path, that I'd soon learn, that He was walking with me.

The word hesed is used over 200 times within the pages of Scripture, and the weight of its meaning is massive! In English, hesed has been translated into words such as: love, lovingkindness, merciful love, loyal love, sure love, affectionate satisfaction, loving instruction, steadfast love, covenant friendship, persistent faithfulness, clemency, piety, devotion, generous yes … (taken from Inexpressible Hesed) … the list goes on and on. Not long after my introduction to this rich word, I began reading through the book of Psalms. I circled everywhere I saw 'steadfast love' … the most common ESV rendering of hesed. I found, at least, 123 references to the 'steadfast love' of God within the book of Psalms. 26 of those references were found in one Psalm … Psalm 136.

Today, hesed is never too far from the forefront of my mind … even after the retreat and reading the book Inexpressible Hesed. I've come to see that God's hesed flows from WHO He is … it's behind everything He does and allows to come into the lives of His children.

As I thought about these last several months, I began to realize that my journey with the God of hesed, actually, began five years ago when I was forced into the role of caregiving and parental advocacy. As I stepped into the ICU room to see my father on life support following a hemorrhagic stroke and emergency brain surgery, I was put on a path headed to the God of hesed ... I just didn't know it. Since our journey began, there have been many ups and downs. Multiple surgeries ... some deemed minor. Others deemed life-threatening. Seven bouts with sepsis. Many sleepless, tear filled nights ... with no hope of a full recovery, even as we continue on this journey. 

HOWEVER ... In the most unlikely year that's been filled with COVID19 chaos and more traumatic events, the darkness has lifted. Hope has returned. Purpose prevails. The grace of Heaven has infiltrated life. As I've thought about the journey with my father (which started five years ago today on 9/29/2015), I can say that the change has been because the LORD has met me here ... in my part of His meta-narrative ... This God of hesed has graciously allowed me to behold His face ... little by little this year. I've been blessed to see His nail-scarred hands holding mine as I've walked through the uncharted waters of caregiving and through the uncharted waters in which I find myself today. The God who is rich in steadfast love has placed His love within me so that I may love my father and those around me. This God who is persistently faithful has paved the way for me to walk in His steps ... no matter the journey of life ... I've caught a glimpse of this God of hesed. I've caught a glimpse of my Heavenly Father's face. I've felt His approval and His comfort. 

As I've begun to behold the God of hesed, my question for you, Beloved Friend, is do YOU know this God? 

The beauty of life was gone. The only colours I saw were varying shades of grey. The radiant colours that once captivated my soul dissipated into the unknown. The days in which I was living were steeped in sorrow, unspeakable grief and pain. The beauty I loved was replaced with all that I deemed repulsive. I was at the bottom … and wanted out. Too many people seemed to “need” me for me to just leave life and start over somewhere else. However, the pain of an undealt with past, the trauma of a parent's ongoing medical situation and an extended season of loss and grief left me stuck … unable to see anything but the darkness in which I was lost. Personal dreams seemed to have died … goals were left unmet. I was failing at life.

          Where was God?
                 Was He, indeed, trustworthy & good?
                         Why was life like this?
                                   How was I supposed to navigate through this life?
                                             Why did I have to look at my dreams lying wasted?
                                                       Where was the freedom that other Christians spoke about?

I’d heard “Jesus loves you” & “God is in control” mantras throughout my life; however, there seemed to be no answer to deal with the pain of the past. There was no practical answer to deal with the compounded grief that consumed my soul. The religious phrases had become cheap cliches and were as repulsive as the darkness in which I found myself … I was trapped inside a world of repulsive religiosity … a world without freedom. A world without hope or healing. A world of just broken religious busyness.

Through the love, care and friendship of an extended family member, freedom from the darkness lay just beyond where I found myself … I simply didn't know it. Light would shine again, and there would be beauty to behold. Redemption from the repulsiveness of life awaited. I would soon behold the face of my Heavenly Father in a way that I’d never dreamed possible.
Life had gotten to be unmanageable … due to sin … from my own sin and the sin of others. Conflicts were left unresolved. Truth was traded in for a lie. And I had developed an unbiblical view of God. I viewed Him as I did everyone around me. Faithful … to a point. Approachable … as long as I performed perfectly. Loving … when I’m at my best. Near … when I measured up. As we faced the truth of life together, I realized that there was a purpose for my existence … and yes, there was even purpose for the particular life I was living. My view of God, simply, did not line up with the truth of Scripture.

As I learned to open Scripture with fresh eyes, I encountered Jesus Christ alive … as the Healer of my wounded soul. I was introduced to Him as the One who bore the griefs of life … the grief of sin & shame, the grief of death & despair, the grief of abandonment & failure. He bore it all on Calvary … for ME. I didn’t know that!  My Heavenly Father  really did care, in spite of how I felt. I learned that I wasn’t alone. I had never been alone. Even in the darkest night, I was in the presence of my Father. As I have begun to get to know Jesus Christ, the God-Man, in some of the most practical ways imaginable, He has renewed a love and hunger for dreams that once lay dying … wasting away. To walk in truth, I had to learn to not only identify my weaknesses but to also identify and embrace my strengths … my unique abilities. I discovered that it was okay to embrace and enjoy my love of fine arts … and I could do it for His great glory.

Throughout this journey to freedom, I discovered that God doesn’t vaguely heal. He specifically heals. There was such a liberation to this way of living life. Although the sins of my life were heartbreaking to face, I was met with such compassion … with such love … with such grace. Through the process of repentance and seeking the forgiveness of God, there was much more hope to embrace. There was a liberating embracing of the past … without despair and without a morbid sense of doom & gloom, the LORD’s purpose is being revealed as I daily live the life He has given … the life He has allowed me to live. He has left the choice to me … will I use the gifts He’s given for His glory? Or will I not? I’ve chosen to embrace what He’s given me, for His glory … I’ve chosen to allow Him to use the repulsive things of this life to point more clearly to His redeeming love. It’s only been through His redeeming love that I’ve been able to embrace this life … without shame or regret. 

The same can be true of you, my Friend. If you wonder where God is, why He’s allowed your life to become unmanageable, why your dreams seem to be lying wasted, I’d love to talk to you! Feel free to email me at [email protected] .
For the glory of God alone!