December 31, 2019. There are only a few minutes left in this year ... left in this decade, in fact. A new year. A new decade. It will all be new in a few minutes. I don’t know if I’ve ever looked more forward to a new year as much as I do this one.

Many “life lessons” have been learned over this year ... over this decade. Several of these have been sobering.

I’ve seen some of how heinous my selfishness is when things don’t go my way.....when I’m inconvenienced by, yet another, medical problem with my father. As we continue on our journey in 2020, my hope is that the selfishness will continue to be chipped away. This life, truly, isn’t about me. No matter how much of an inconvenience it can be, at times, I want to serve him well. Love him well .... no matter how long we have together.
Over this last decade, I’ve seen death ... way too close and personal! I’ve seen the death of dreams & hopes & visions. I’ve seen the death of many loved ones ... the death of many close relationships. I’ve also seen what chronic illness can do.
I’ve also seen (& experienced) firsthand how the body of Christ will love one of their own. In the daily stuff of life, they’ve cared & loved & provided for me .... all without taking a vote! I’ve been in many churches ... more than I care to admit to ... I still have contact with some of the folks from some of these places, occasionally .... but I’ve NEVER seen or experienced what I have seen & experienced anywhere except where I’m at now. I’ve seen what it means to love one another, to be a Christian Sunday through Saturday, to hold EACH OTHER to the high standards of holiness that are laid out in the Word of God ... to be Jesus with skin on, as they say. Discipleship beyond the walls of the church building, the DAILY PRACTICAL, LIFE on LIFE practical application of Deuteronomy 6 ... lovingly confronting blatant sins & then persevering through the restoration process that involved deep grief. We aren’t perfect, by any means, but for the first time ... I see something different. Something REAL ... and it’s a breath of fresh air!
The most sobering life lesson came this year ... in fact, it has come in stages, finally culminating last week. As I read notes in the Bible of a dearly loved family member, I began to question so much of the faith that I was given in my childhood. Notes that said: “The theology changes in this book {Isaiah}.” Or “God didn’t mean this.” I saw several Bible passages marked out with the words: “not in the earliest manuscripts” .... so, were these passages no good? If the theology changes in one book, then is the Bible even reliable? The questions loomed hard! My heart sank. I realized that my faith has been based on an array of theologies ... from what is taught at my church & from the lives of our members to the vascillating doctrine & theology of my family to the pragmatic “do what’s best for you” faith of some of my friends. Heartbreaking answers came as a result of reading these notes. It’s been hard to admit (freeing, in some respects, though) that my relationship with God the Father is so very shallow because my PRACTICAL theology has come from what others have said & lived ... and those messages have done nothing but contradict themselves. Oh sure, I can give you the right answers to what you ask me ... but those right answers don’t dispel the questions within my soul when I’m alone, when the storms of life are raging.
NOW WHAT? As a new year, a new era, a new decade enters, there’s purpose and a direction .. to learn, FIRSTHAND, what the heart of God the Father is. To learn to trust Him with the totality of my being. To begin leaving a DIFFERENT type of legacy ... one that doesn’t waver “to and fro with every wind of doctrine” but is steadfast and confident. A legacy of faith that is rooted in the depths of Scripture alone. I love my church leadership ... and Gene & Sarah have been with me from the beginning, but I’ve seen the reality that death is coming for everyone. If the LORD takes them from me, I have to have something deeper and greater than their faith. I haven’t known where to start exactly ... the Gospels, Romans, the Epistles ... I guess that sort of detail isn’t important, as long as I start.

My reading goals for 2020 are basically set ... the first three books may take much of my year ... but they seem the most important from the list. “Recovering from Losses in Life” by H. Norman Wright. “Institutes of the Christian Religion” by John Calvin. “Systematic Theology” by Wayne Grudem. We will see if I get to the others ...

LORD, captivate my soul. Allow me to not be distracted by the valleys, mountains, or plateaus of life.

A progressing pilgrim.
​HAPPY NEW YEAR

2019 has proven to be challenging in so many ways!

Music. It’s been a struggle to play the piano. A struggle to practice. A struggle to play the prelude and communion. I’ve considered giving this dream up. The song deep within was gone. It seemed to die when my precious grandmother died. The focus was gone. This struggle hasn’t gone away. It’s by no means over! The struggle continues .... BUT -

Art. As we cleaned out my grandmother’s home earlier this year, most of the art that I’d made for her ended up coming home with me. Grief washed over me like rolling waves, so I got rid of it all ... painting over drawings. Throwing other artwork away. The inspiration seemed to die when she died. Ideas & the desire to create were just gone. BUT -

Writing. Writing has been an avenue of healing, an avenue of expression. But this year. Not so much. Many times, I’d start writing. Over and over again, I’d fail. Fail to get beyond the first sentence or two. I threw manuscripts away. Grief. Heartache. Depression. Despair. Writing seemed to be hindered by the chains that were (& are) wrapped around my heart. BUT -

Faith. Wow! 2019 has been a big test of my personal faith. Doubt. Inconsistency. Failure. I look in the mirror and still wonder why God chose to save me, at times. Am I an utter failure in His eyes? Does He grimace when I *try* to pray? These are the types of questions that plague me. BUT -

There’s a phrase found throughout Scripture and it’s one that is spoken frequently at my church. The phrase..... BUT GOD!

A small spark began to ignite in these areas of my life when someone I know began her own personal blog. Through her honest transparency in the midst of gut wrenching pain, the desire to keep going began to grow. So where do I go from here?

Music. I’m working on regaining focus. I’m working on Christmas hymns and a select few pieces that I need. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

Art. I’ve begun to paint ... Some things I’ve painted seem real random, but there’s an actual purpose behind each one.

Writing. Like the music & art, it’s a simple start with this blog. There’s fear. Fear of so much. But ... it’s here.

Faith. This is still a battle, for sure! This is more of a battle than the other, in many ways. I know the right answers, but I find that my ACTUAL relationship with God continues to be a struggle. Does this make me a hypocrite? I don’t know. I hope not. I hope it just makes me really real. I continue to keep trying ... Why? As hard as it is to figure out and consistently live my life according to, there’s one thing I can’t/won’t let go of ... there’s a relationship with a Father who loves and cares that I desire. I desire it to be deeper. A relationship with the Divine that is so strong that I will never fear His rejection. A relationship that welcomes me more than anything. A relationship that I will desire above all others. There’s hope in belonging to Someone ... Someone who died for me. Someone who thought I was worth dying for.

2019 has been a struggle ... but by the grace of God - who I’m still getting to know - the spark of hope will turn into a flame that will burn brightly ... for HIS great glory!