​So much has changed since my father died 9 ½ weeks ago. It seems incredibly surreal that he’s gone. He’s been gone sixty-six days. I miss him more than I ever dreamed possible. As I am learning to live again, the true wonder/the true miracle is the sense of peace, joy and purpose that has blossomed amid the undeniable grief. I’ve experienced a level of grace from God that has been mind-blowing. While I’ve learned so much over these last several weeks, I share the life lessons that have been the foundation – and perhaps, the cornerstone – of me learning to live again.

~ The LORD specializes in making ALL things new … even a shattered heart & life. From Genesis to Revelation, we see the Lord making the old, broken things/people into new things/people for HIS glory. It flows forth from His heart of redemption. The closest glimpse I was honored to watch/be a small part of – aside from my own life – was watching the Lord change my father, in his final days/weeks of life. The Lord, truly, did the impossible!

~ Hope can live within the recesses of a shattered heart, and it blooms in due season. For me, it began to take deeper root as I faced my first Christmas without Dad. A small Christmas party opened the door for me to create and paint again. Facing each day and seeking to stay in a – somewhat – normal routine has kept me sane, able to breathe, and looking forward to what lies ahead.
 
~ The Lord didn’t create us to do life alone … even for me as a single woman. He put us in relationship with other people. While there is a delicate balance to be held so that the relationships are healthy, rather than toxic, the early days surrounding Dad’s death were days in which I knew I was being carried along by the love of those around me. Although life does go on and the weight of the grief is extremely heavy, the heaviest part of it was made easier by those who were there. Some of these folks ministered mountains of grace from other countries. My heart remains full! I am so thankful for my tribe!
 
~ Art, photography, music. Three passions that set my soul ablaze! It amazes me how the Lord can use everyday passions, even without professional skill, to bring a sense of calm. A sense of peace. Joy. Part of this may be the sense of connection I feel with my Dad in these areas of life when I’m drawing/painting, taking pictures of random things in nature, or playing any of my music. However, a large part of this – I think – lies in the fact that God the Father is the Master Artist. His is the creation that I behold through my camera lens. My heavenly Father is the Master Songwriter & Song-Giver … I have discovered that when my heart is overwhelmed, the Lord is watching as I draw/paint. He’s walking & talking with me as I take pictures of His subjects. He even sits with me as I play my music. His music.
 
~ One of the most life-changing/life STABILIZING lessons I’ve learned was shared by someone I’d consider a “life hero.” The day after Dad died, she laid her busy schedule aside to meet me at the funeral home. She was there to help with whatever I needed. She helped make sense of the wad of discombobulated stuff that comes with losing a dependent parent. We, then, went for coffee. I confessed how I had been struggling to read my Bible since I’d had to sign the hospice paperwork. Nothing made sense so I just didn’t read. With a heart of love for me – which she’s had for nearly three decades – and without any hint of judgment, she encouraged me to read the Word of God anyway … the more I look back, I see the infinite wisdom of this!!

As I look back over the last 9 ½ weeks, some of my go-to passages and verses include (but not limited to):

* Exodus 14:13-14 “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
 
* Psalm 18:1-3, 6 “I love You, O LORD, my Strength. The LORD is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer, my God, my Rock, in whom I take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my Stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies … In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears.”
 
* Psalm 68:5 “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in His holy habitation.”
 
* Psalm 103:1-5, 8, 13-14 “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s … The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love … As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
 
* Isaiah 26:3-4 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.”
 
* Isaiah 43:1b-2 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”
 
In one of the hardest seasons/valleys of my life, I can say with a Calvary-infused confidence that it has also been a blessed season … to know my Lord like I do is something I wouldn’t trade for anything … to know the perfect and pure love of my Heavenly Father is unmatched! He is the Father to the fatherless … and I walk not alone!
 
To God be the greatest glory!
Soli Deo Gloria! 

​

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 
As I sat down to think over 2021, a couple of things came to mind:
1) in the darkness, there's always LIGHT ... even if it's only a small flicker.
2) Joy comes in the morning ... it, also, comes IN THE MOURNING seasons of life.

I am glad that 2021 is over! It brought a lot of personal change and great loss. One thing I discovered in ways I never dreamed ... NOTHING stays the same. No one is immune from tragedy. Friends and acquaintances passed away. It was sobering! Tragedy came in unspeakable waves as lives were altered by car accidents, suicide, COVID, cancer ... the list goes on & on. It all seemed so unfair! As I wrestled with my own faith, my soul could only groan. As I look back, the first few months of 2021 were "training ground" ... As I sought answers to the deeper things of life, several answers came as to the higher purposes of God; however, most of my questions went unanswered ... or so it seemed.
As summer dawned, I was trying to get involved in my new church. I didn't know what I was doing, so I just tried whatever. I tried to conquer the fear of feeling "not being what folks expected" ... only to discover that I was surrounded by people who were okay with me being me. They loved me enough to speak unbiased wisdom (& common sense) into my life. My artsy endeavors were embraced, wholeheartedly. During VBS, my heart was captivated further by missions, especially Operation Christmas Child. 
I began to see God in unexpected ways as I took my Perspectives class. The world opened in amazing ways as I -FINALLY- could see the global purpose of God that began in eternity past. His heart for the nations gripped mine in a way that few understand (or even agree with). As the busyness of life seemed to increase, the internal darkness seemed to get darker. I was confused, and very few people could understand because there was no "real reason" for the darkness. Looking back, I see the hand of a loving Heavenly Father teaching me that He's LORD of the light ... and the dark. Furthermore, He's Lord IN the light ... and dark seasons of life. 
In the midst of what felt to be a lot, my anxiety levels got out of control. When my father took a turn for the worse in August, everything got more difficult. Due to COVID, I hadn't been able to see my dad for over a year. He didn't understand what was going on, but exceptions were made when his health took a turn. What I didn't know is that my father wouldn't rebound. In the sorrow of watching him be so incredibly sick, God did a work that I will never get over ... He began to do a work of softening Dad's heart, healing a past of anger and abuse. The Lord brought peace, reconciliation & forgiveness. There was light in the darkness. And that light was the Light of the world, Jesus Christ. 
By the first week in October, I was worn out. Between cleaning, my online class, my fears concerning my father, other life responsibilities ... I was tired. The decision was made to go with some friends to Navarre Beach in Florida. I needed a break, so I said "yes". Having never been to Florida, I was excited. With my newfound love for photography, I wanted to be up close and personal with those sunsets and sunrises. The water. The sand. The shells. The Lord didn't disappoint! He painted the most breathtaking scenes ... for me! 
As grand as the Florida trip was, it was, sadly, overshadowed with a phone call that brought more grief. As we were heading to Florida, the call that would change everything came. The nursing home called and recommended hospice. I was thankful to be with friends because my head was spinning after that call. Due to a propensity to get carsick, my Dramamine began to make me sleepy. This would, in fact, be a grace gift. I was able to rest some after that heartbreaking call. The date for the hospice meeting was set for November 1. As we arrived in Florida, the Lord showed His handiwork ... and He held me. As I walked the sandy shore of Navarre Beach, taking pictures, and hunting for shells, I met with the Father, like never before. From confusion to anger to fear, I found refuge in being honest with the One who walked and talked with me. I asked people to pray ... by God's grace, I slept every single night that we were in Florida. At night, I found solace in the well-known, well-loved Shepherd's psalm, Psalm 23. 
November 1st ... my Aunt Karen and I made our way to see Dad (her younger brother) ... We met with hospice first. Paperwork. Questions & answers ... and incredible grief. Aunt Karen saw Dad before I did. We were both taken aback by what we saw. There was no doubt that Dad was in his final days/weeks of life. I was heartbroken ... but I found some hope in that I was told we had about three months with Dad. I rearranged my schedule to be able to see Dad two or three times a week. Extra things (church events, choir, time with friends, etc) were taken off my calendar. Spending time with my father was my top priority!
November 6th. I saw Dad again. The few minutes that he was awake, we held each other's hands. I reassured him of my love for him, and I spoke of the Lord's love for him. Dad asked what he could do to help me and said that he wanted me to be okay. He knew he was dying. Not knowing from where the answer came (I, now, know it came from the Lord), I told Dad that I wanted him to rest. I told him that I'd be okay because although I didn't know how to live without him, the Lord would see me through the rest of my days. I reassured him that I was surrounded by friends from church, my cleaning clients who are friends, and by some of our family. He smiled and said: "Okay. Good." As he closed his eyes and went to sleep, I just held his hand and watched him breathe ... & silently, I prayed.
November 10th. Another visit ... and this one was hard! Dad was in pain, and I was helpless. He could say a word and then he'd try to talk but no sound came. It was difficult to watch ... Dad didn't know me, at first. The simple task of washing his face and getting him to drink water brought bittersweet joy to my broken heart. Pain meds had to be started, regularly. I made sure to schedule my next visit for November 14th. 
November 14th came ... my appointment to see Dad never came. I was supposed to see him at 3:30pm; however, at 5:13am, I got the dreaded - and yet, somewhat expected - call. My father was gone. The most difficult moment of my life, and I found myself undergirded by my Heavenly Father. I found solace in the words of my pastor ... "You aren't fatherless because God is your Father" ... I found hope in the work that the Lord had done in my father's life in the final weeks of his life. I found peace in knowing that I was surrounded by a myriad of people who walked me through the agonizing process of handling Dad's final affairs ... I am forever grateful!! 
Life has been a blur since Dad died. Dealing with everything concerning his affairs was made easier by the people who helped (& continue to help) ... but God has been by my side, in a way I've never known before. There have been times when I've only been able to sit in His presence. No reading my Bible. No spoken words of prayer. Just me and God. Never before did I realize that this is perfectly okay, but ... indeed, it is. I've seen the grace of God extended as I've tried to learn a new normal. The Lord undergirded me as I completed my online class (finding out today that I actually passed), continued to work, and enable some life changes to be put into place for my life. While it's still a struggle, there are legitimate reasons to laugh and enjoy life. The hard days come; however, it's been in the hard days that I've been learning to hear the still, small voice of God, PERSONALLY. 
I chose PURPOSE as my word for 2021. I pray I lived my life with more purpose than ever before, even in the setbacks.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth says: "Anything that makes me need God is a blessing." Using this view, 2021 has been a blessing! Bittersweet and difficult ... but a blessing, nonetheless. 

This year ... I chose the word JOY. Change is inevitable. The question is: "how will I live through those changes". My prayer is that the Lord's joy will radiate in/through my life, come what may. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!