The beauty of life was gone. The only colours I saw were varying shades of grey. The radiant colours that once captivated my soul dissipated into the unknown. The days in which I was living were steeped in sorrow, unspeakable grief and pain. The beauty I loved was replaced with all that I deemed repulsive. I was at the bottom … and wanted out. Too many people seemed to “need” me for me to just leave life and start over somewhere else. However, the pain of an undealt with past, the trauma of a parent's ongoing medical situation and an extended season of loss and grief left me stuck … unable to see anything but the darkness in which I was lost. Personal dreams seemed to have died … goals were left unmet. I was failing at life.
Where was God? Was He, indeed, trustworthy & good? Why was life like this? How was I supposed to navigate through this life? Why did I have to look at my dreams lying wasted? Where was the freedom that other Christians spoke about? I’d heard “Jesus loves you” & “God is in control” mantras throughout my life; however, there seemed to be no answer to deal with the pain of the past. There was no practical answer to deal with the compounded grief that consumed my soul. The religious phrases had become cheap cliches and were as repulsive as the darkness in which I found myself … I was trapped inside a world of repulsive religiosity … a world without freedom. A world without hope or healing. A world of just broken religious busyness. Through the love, care and friendship of an extended family member, freedom from the darkness lay just beyond where I found myself … I simply didn't know it. Light would shine again, and there would be beauty to behold. Redemption from the repulsiveness of life awaited. I would soon behold the face of my Heavenly Father in a way that I’d never dreamed possible. Life had gotten to be unmanageable … due to sin … from my own sin and the sin of others. Conflicts were left unresolved. Truth was traded in for a lie. And I had developed an unbiblical view of God. I viewed Him as I did everyone around me. Faithful … to a point. Approachable … as long as I performed perfectly. Loving … when I’m at my best. Near … when I measured up. As we faced the truth of life together, I realized that there was a purpose for my existence … and yes, there was even purpose for the particular life I was living. My view of God, simply, did not line up with the truth of Scripture. As I learned to open Scripture with fresh eyes, I encountered Jesus Christ alive … as the Healer of my wounded soul. I was introduced to Him as the One who bore the griefs of life … the grief of sin & shame, the grief of death & despair, the grief of abandonment & failure. He bore it all on Calvary … for ME. I didn’t know that! My Heavenly Father really did care, in spite of how I felt. I learned that I wasn’t alone. I had never been alone. Even in the darkest night, I was in the presence of my Father. As I have begun to get to know Jesus Christ, the God-Man, in some of the most practical ways imaginable, He has renewed a love and hunger for dreams that once lay dying … wasting away. To walk in truth, I had to learn to not only identify my weaknesses but to also identify and embrace my strengths … my unique abilities. I discovered that it was okay to embrace and enjoy my love of fine arts … and I could do it for His great glory. Throughout this journey to freedom, I discovered that God doesn’t vaguely heal. He specifically heals. There was such a liberation to this way of living life. Although the sins of my life were heartbreaking to face, I was met with such compassion … with such love … with such grace. Through the process of repentance and seeking the forgiveness of God, there was much more hope to embrace. There was a liberating embracing of the past … without despair and without a morbid sense of doom & gloom, the LORD’s purpose is being revealed as I daily live the life He has given … the life He has allowed me to live. He has left the choice to me … will I use the gifts He’s given for His glory? Or will I not? I’ve chosen to embrace what He’s given me, for His glory … I’ve chosen to allow Him to use the repulsive things of this life to point more clearly to His redeeming love. It’s only been through His redeeming love that I’ve been able to embrace this life … without shame or regret. The same can be true of you, my Friend. If you wonder where God is, why He’s allowed your life to become unmanageable, why your dreams seem to be lying wasted, I’d love to talk to you! Feel free to email me at [email protected] . For the glory of God alone!
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