I’ve stopped and started this blog post many times. I’ve contemplated not even writing this. Because some will say this or that concerning how they feel about what I write. I’ve wondered so many things with this particular post, but I can’t NOT post this. Why? Because SHE was special. SHE was mine.....and I miss her terribly! But also because life doesn’t stop for those of us left behind ... I didn’t know if I could live life without her ... Initially, to be honest, I didn’t want to live this life without her ... but this post isn’t entirely about the death of someone I have cherished from day one. It’s about how life has changed. How perspective has changed. How the LORD has taken His own to be with Him and has begun to transform the lives of those left behind.
Folks have actually gotten disgusted with me when I bring up my grandmother. They’ve said things like, “She was your grandmother. Old people die. Why is this affecting you like this?” I want to scream when I hear things like this......Carmon Lanell Dickson ... “Mom” to some. “Peggy” to others. “Aunt Peggy” to others. But to me (& the other grandkids/great-grandkids), she was “Grannaw” ... She was more than my grandmother. She was my friend. We didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but you never see eye to eye on everything with anyone ... If you did, one of you wouldn’t be necessary in that relationship. It’s been 16 months since we said goodbye to this precious lady. Sixteen months since I held her old, feeble hands. Sixteen months since I kissed her forehead and whispered: “It’s okay. We will be okay. You can let go of us and go be with the LORD, with Pappaw, with Aunt Polly, and with all of our other family members. I will be okay. I will keep taking care of my dad. I love you.” I whispered those words that fateful Thursday night and left for home. The last time I saw my Grannaw alive. December 27, 2018. Less than three hours later, she was gone. I wouldn’t wish December 2018 on anyone, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Those nights by her bed ... watching to see if she was still breathing. Begging God for a miracle. Watching. Waiting. Christmas was rough. But I knew she’d want some Christmas stuff up. So, I put a few select items out. Others thought it frivolous. She had a smile and said she liked it. That’s all that mattered to me. Jeopardy. Gaither videos. Golf. I tear up when I see these programs ... honestly, I try to avoid them ... because these were some of her favorites. I’ve always hated golf. I never saw the point of it. It seemed so stupid to me ... now, I can’t bear to watch it because I think of her. She didn’t play golf, but she sure did love to watch golf on tv. I tear up when I read missionary update letters ... because the stories are amazing and I know she financially supported missionaries. She, also, supported them through her prayers. 16 months seems so very long ago when life is happening at rapid fire speed ... and it feels like it’s been going that fast. However, in many respects, it seems like only yesterday when I saw her last. It seems like only yesterday when we assembled at the local funeral home to tell her one last time how much we loved her. These 16 months have been life-changing. Since her home going, our family lost another precious soul (Martha) who fought a very brief, yet difficult battle with cancer ... she joined my grandmother (her Aunt Peggy), her parents, her husband, and a host of others around the throne of the LORD Jesus. The LORD’s begun a deep healing within my own heart and life ... and I wish I could talk with my Grannaw about it. He’s begun a stirring that is indescribable. One that’s taking much surrender of an unknown future ... surrendering it all to Him who has made Himself known. In this process of dealing with compounded grief (that started prior to the loss of my grandmother) & discovering my purpose for living, I’ve begun a journey of learning about the MUCHNESS of God’s hesed. Of His lovingkindness. Of His care to come alongside to pick me up and carry me so I can simply rest my wearied anxious heart. Of His love in providing me with someone with whom I can fellowship at a deep, heart level ... even across international borders ... and having the technology to do so. Some of the deep longings and desires of my heart have changed over these last 16 months. As the LORD opens/shuts doors in the days/weeks/months to come, that may be expounded upon in further detail. Suffice it to say that He is at work doing something that only He can do. At the writing of this, we are in the middle of a pandemic ... This COVID19 mess has everyone speculating about everything from political sabotage and biological warfare to “the end is coming” and God’s judgment around the world ... and every other possible scenario one can imagine. This pandemic has thrust me into reading & studying when I’m home ... one such book was CS Lewis’ book Mere Christianity. He puts it so well in saying that the Christians who made the most impact on earth were the ones who were focused on Heaven. “Aim at Heaven & get earth thrown in. Aim at earth & get neither.” These days of such uncertainty and fear, I’m learning to see Him. To see the LORD daily ... to walk with Him like never before. To love Him more. To aim at Heaven. These last 16 months have been unsettling for me and for other members of my family. These days/weeks/months/years of grief have been ongoing, it seems. Nothing is certain ... nothing stays the same. Except One. I’m learning to love being with the One who is the Rock that never shakes, never breaks. Death? Defeated at Calvary. For a believer, death is a “graduation from this life to the next”.....Life? He is the Author of our days and they are numbered before we are ever born. COVID19 (and any other illness/pandemic)? He has a purpose and He will be glorified in the end, no matter what may come into the life of a child of God. Until you or I see Him face to face in all of His glory, majesty, and splendor, may we be about His business in Jerusalem, Samaria, & the uttermost parts of His world..... Aiming at Heaven! Soli Deo Gloria!
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