HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
As I sat down to think over 2021, a couple of things came to mind: 1) in the darkness, there's always LIGHT ... even if it's only a small flicker. 2) Joy comes in the morning ... it, also, comes IN THE MOURNING seasons of life. I am glad that 2021 is over! It brought a lot of personal change and great loss. One thing I discovered in ways I never dreamed ... NOTHING stays the same. No one is immune from tragedy. Friends and acquaintances passed away. It was sobering! Tragedy came in unspeakable waves as lives were altered by car accidents, suicide, COVID, cancer ... the list goes on & on. It all seemed so unfair! As I wrestled with my own faith, my soul could only groan. As I look back, the first few months of 2021 were "training ground" ... As I sought answers to the deeper things of life, several answers came as to the higher purposes of God; however, most of my questions went unanswered ... or so it seemed. As summer dawned, I was trying to get involved in my new church. I didn't know what I was doing, so I just tried whatever. I tried to conquer the fear of feeling "not being what folks expected" ... only to discover that I was surrounded by people who were okay with me being me. They loved me enough to speak unbiased wisdom (& common sense) into my life. My artsy endeavors were embraced, wholeheartedly. During VBS, my heart was captivated further by missions, especially Operation Christmas Child. I began to see God in unexpected ways as I took my Perspectives class. The world opened in amazing ways as I -FINALLY- could see the global purpose of God that began in eternity past. His heart for the nations gripped mine in a way that few understand (or even agree with). As the busyness of life seemed to increase, the internal darkness seemed to get darker. I was confused, and very few people could understand because there was no "real reason" for the darkness. Looking back, I see the hand of a loving Heavenly Father teaching me that He's LORD of the light ... and the dark. Furthermore, He's Lord IN the light ... and dark seasons of life. In the midst of what felt to be a lot, my anxiety levels got out of control. When my father took a turn for the worse in August, everything got more difficult. Due to COVID, I hadn't been able to see my dad for over a year. He didn't understand what was going on, but exceptions were made when his health took a turn. What I didn't know is that my father wouldn't rebound. In the sorrow of watching him be so incredibly sick, God did a work that I will never get over ... He began to do a work of softening Dad's heart, healing a past of anger and abuse. The Lord brought peace, reconciliation & forgiveness. There was light in the darkness. And that light was the Light of the world, Jesus Christ. By the first week in October, I was worn out. Between cleaning, my online class, my fears concerning my father, other life responsibilities ... I was tired. The decision was made to go with some friends to Navarre Beach in Florida. I needed a break, so I said "yes". Having never been to Florida, I was excited. With my newfound love for photography, I wanted to be up close and personal with those sunsets and sunrises. The water. The sand. The shells. The Lord didn't disappoint! He painted the most breathtaking scenes ... for me! As grand as the Florida trip was, it was, sadly, overshadowed with a phone call that brought more grief. As we were heading to Florida, the call that would change everything came. The nursing home called and recommended hospice. I was thankful to be with friends because my head was spinning after that call. Due to a propensity to get carsick, my Dramamine began to make me sleepy. This would, in fact, be a grace gift. I was able to rest some after that heartbreaking call. The date for the hospice meeting was set for November 1. As we arrived in Florida, the Lord showed His handiwork ... and He held me. As I walked the sandy shore of Navarre Beach, taking pictures, and hunting for shells, I met with the Father, like never before. From confusion to anger to fear, I found refuge in being honest with the One who walked and talked with me. I asked people to pray ... by God's grace, I slept every single night that we were in Florida. At night, I found solace in the well-known, well-loved Shepherd's psalm, Psalm 23. November 1st ... my Aunt Karen and I made our way to see Dad (her younger brother) ... We met with hospice first. Paperwork. Questions & answers ... and incredible grief. Aunt Karen saw Dad before I did. We were both taken aback by what we saw. There was no doubt that Dad was in his final days/weeks of life. I was heartbroken ... but I found some hope in that I was told we had about three months with Dad. I rearranged my schedule to be able to see Dad two or three times a week. Extra things (church events, choir, time with friends, etc) were taken off my calendar. Spending time with my father was my top priority! November 6th. I saw Dad again. The few minutes that he was awake, we held each other's hands. I reassured him of my love for him, and I spoke of the Lord's love for him. Dad asked what he could do to help me and said that he wanted me to be okay. He knew he was dying. Not knowing from where the answer came (I, now, know it came from the Lord), I told Dad that I wanted him to rest. I told him that I'd be okay because although I didn't know how to live without him, the Lord would see me through the rest of my days. I reassured him that I was surrounded by friends from church, my cleaning clients who are friends, and by some of our family. He smiled and said: "Okay. Good." As he closed his eyes and went to sleep, I just held his hand and watched him breathe ... & silently, I prayed. November 10th. Another visit ... and this one was hard! Dad was in pain, and I was helpless. He could say a word and then he'd try to talk but no sound came. It was difficult to watch ... Dad didn't know me, at first. The simple task of washing his face and getting him to drink water brought bittersweet joy to my broken heart. Pain meds had to be started, regularly. I made sure to schedule my next visit for November 14th. November 14th came ... my appointment to see Dad never came. I was supposed to see him at 3:30pm; however, at 5:13am, I got the dreaded - and yet, somewhat expected - call. My father was gone. The most difficult moment of my life, and I found myself undergirded by my Heavenly Father. I found solace in the words of my pastor ... "You aren't fatherless because God is your Father" ... I found hope in the work that the Lord had done in my father's life in the final weeks of his life. I found peace in knowing that I was surrounded by a myriad of people who walked me through the agonizing process of handling Dad's final affairs ... I am forever grateful!! Life has been a blur since Dad died. Dealing with everything concerning his affairs was made easier by the people who helped (& continue to help) ... but God has been by my side, in a way I've never known before. There have been times when I've only been able to sit in His presence. No reading my Bible. No spoken words of prayer. Just me and God. Never before did I realize that this is perfectly okay, but ... indeed, it is. I've seen the grace of God extended as I've tried to learn a new normal. The Lord undergirded me as I completed my online class (finding out today that I actually passed), continued to work, and enable some life changes to be put into place for my life. While it's still a struggle, there are legitimate reasons to laugh and enjoy life. The hard days come; however, it's been in the hard days that I've been learning to hear the still, small voice of God, PERSONALLY. I chose PURPOSE as my word for 2021. I pray I lived my life with more purpose than ever before, even in the setbacks. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth says: "Anything that makes me need God is a blessing." Using this view, 2021 has been a blessing! Bittersweet and difficult ... but a blessing, nonetheless. This year ... I chose the word JOY. Change is inevitable. The question is: "how will I live through those changes". My prayer is that the Lord's joy will radiate in/through my life, come what may. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
1 Comment
Laura
1/2/2022 09:15:36 pm
What a blessing to read about your 2021 journey.😊
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