Continuing to dream & live:Faith & fine arts

2019 has proven to be challenging in so many ways!

Music. It’s been a struggle to play the piano. A struggle to practice. A struggle to play the prelude and communion. I’ve considered giving this dream up. The song deep within was gone. It seemed to die when my precious grandmother died. The focus was gone. This struggle hasn’t gone away. It’s by no means over! The struggle continues .... BUT -

Art. As we cleaned out my grandmother’s home earlier this year, most of the art that I’d made for her ended up coming home with me. Grief washed over me like rolling waves, so I got rid of it all ... painting over drawings. Throwing other artwork away. The inspiration seemed to die when she died. Ideas & the desire to create were just gone. BUT -

Writing. Writing has been an avenue of healing, an avenue of expression. But this year. Not so much. Many times, I’d start writing. Over and over again, I’d fail. Fail to get beyond the first sentence or two. I threw manuscripts away. Grief. Heartache. Depression. Despair. Writing seemed to be hindered by the chains that were (& are) wrapped around my heart. BUT -

Faith. Wow! 2019 has been a big test of my personal faith. Doubt. Inconsistency. Failure. I look in the mirror and still wonder why God chose to save me, at times. Am I an utter failure in His eyes? Does He grimace when I *try* to pray? These are the types of questions that plague me. BUT -

There’s a phrase found throughout Scripture and it’s one that is spoken frequently at my church. The phrase..... BUT GOD!

A small spark began to ignite in these areas of my life when someone I know began her own personal blog. Through her honest transparency in the midst of gut wrenching pain, the desire to keep going began to grow. So where do I go from here?

Music. I’m working on regaining focus. I’m working on Christmas hymns and a select few pieces that I need. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start.

Art. I’ve begun to paint ... Some things I’ve painted seem real random, but there’s an actual purpose behind each one.

Writing. Like the music & art, it’s a simple start with this blog. There’s fear. Fear of so much. But ... it’s here.

Faith. This is still a battle, for sure! This is more of a battle than the other, in many ways. I know the right answers, but I find that my ACTUAL relationship with God continues to be a struggle. Does this make me a hypocrite? I don’t know. I hope not. I hope it just makes me really real. I continue to keep trying ... Why? As hard as it is to figure out and consistently live my life according to, there’s one thing I can’t/won’t let go of ... there’s a relationship with a Father who loves and cares that I desire. I desire it to be deeper. A relationship with the Divine that is so strong that I will never fear His rejection. A relationship that welcomes me more than anything. A relationship that I will desire above all others. There’s hope in belonging to Someone ... Someone who died for me. Someone who thought I was worth dying for.

2019 has been a struggle ... but by the grace of God - who I’m still getting to know - the spark of hope will turn into a flame that will burn brightly ... for HIS great glory!