I haven’t been great about maintaining this blog as I had originally planned. I haven’t read as many books this year as I’d hoped. My music & my art have been neglected. I found myself feeling like I was just spinning life’s proverbial plates again. My goals for 2020 were simple ... but I made them complicated because I’ve had no balance to be able to maintain/keep up/progress in any of them. My schedule (not just work) felt overbooked on some days as I tried to maintain this rat race thing of life. I found ways to cope/manage ... shopping, binge watching tv shows/movies, mindlessly checking Facebook or Pinterest ... all to numb/silence the noise & chaos in my heart.
As 2020 began, I started a new journey in a study called Freedom Session. I had no idea what to expect from it, but I knew I didn’t have anything to lose by doing it. I’d been to various Celebrate Recovery groups and to groups similar to AA. Why not try this, too? “If it doesn’t help, at least, it wouldn’t hurt” was my thinking. Honestly, the MAIN reason I even started this journey was because of the person who recommended it to me. Knowing/loving/trusting her & her wisdom, I went for it ... especially when she decided she’d walk through this journey with me. She really had NO IDEA what she was in for, that’s for sure! {We are 12 weeks into this 28 week study; she’s still in it with me, and I am her biggest fan!} These last twelve weeks have been LIFE CHANGING as we’ve been taking each week with gut-level (& sometimes, wrenching) honesty ... getting to the ROOT of some of the bondage that I didn’t realize that had me bound. Here are a few quotes that are found within the first 12 weeks ... & some of the truths that have begun to set me free. (I have re-worded some of this because they are concepts from entire sections). * God’s intended goal for our lives is NOT recovery, but healing. * Freedom Session’s goal SUPERSEDES helping you break habits or change behaviors. * Writing is crucial to healing! {You should see the homework!!} * God does NOT heal/forgive/set free those who simply need it ... He heals/forgives/sets free those who ADMIT THEY NEED IT FROM HIM. * As an adult, it is my INTERPRETATION of events or lies I’ve believed and been unwilling to deal with that’s destroying me. * WHATEVER I turn to in an attempt to illegitimately escape pain/conflict is a Drug of Choice. * Let Jesus be your Drug of Choice. (This was from my person doing this study with me, back in week 3) * Based on Ephesians 1:4-5, my conception wasn’t a mistake. My life truly has a lasting/eternal purpose that MUST be discovered in/through my relationship with Jesus Christ. * True freedom/healing hinges on one thing ... the absolute LORDship of Jesus Christ. * Our healing process includes learning to like ourselves. * We need to do more than understand depression; we need to help LIFT IT. [INTERLUDE: This session was CRITICAL for me because I’ve been on many different psych meds, been clinically diagnosed with various mental illnesses, been to many doctors & counselors.....and for me, PERSONALLY, not a single one of these things helped/brought healing! It simply masked the problem further! Now, I’m not saying there’s no such thing as legitimate mental illness. However, I was left ashamed & hopeless. A stigma was attached to my life that hasn’t gone away. Worst of all, I was in total bondage & still depressed!! There are 2 basic types of depression. The 1st is CHEMICAL BASED DEPRESSION - the person STARTS OFF with a chemical imbalance. The 2nd is SOURCE/WOUND BASED DEPRESSION - an event/memory/circumstances cause depressed emotions which result in a chemical imbalance. Therefore, if it is a MEDICAL issue to BEGIN with, treat it medically & it will help/bring healing. If it’s NOT a medical issue to begin with, treating it medically will NOT bring help/healing.....for the first time since my teens, I’m FINALLY getting to the ROOT CAUSE of a lot of my depression.] * It’s okay to enjoy the good things in our lives. * Pain & fear are two emotions you will experience in life. The key is to NOT “obey” them. * Freedom Session is about writing your story & creating a new ending. * This is about SPECIFIC, not vague, freedom. * The only way through the pain is THROUGH the pain. This brings me to the last couple of weeks or so when COVID-19 began to impact all of North America ... very rapidly! Within a matter of days, I knew I was going to have to stare some of the deeper truths from Freedom Session in the face. To go from working 5-6 days a week to suddenly, 2 days this week. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I quickly had to apply these concepts in some very concrete ways! (1) SHOPPING - my favorite “drug of choice” ... there’s a reason it’s called ‘retail therapy’...however, when a pandemic takes over, your vice is gone! The first few hours of the first day I was home was mentally chaotic for me. I found myself pacing the floor, cleaning the house over & over & over again. I needed an outlet of some sort. Due to the desperate need for social distancing, being with someone wasn’t an option. I turned to my art. The calm began to wash over my soul as I painted. It was unlike any ‘retail therapy’ experience ..... and my piano. Oh how I have found precious refuge at my piano these last few days! Going through some online tutorials has helped jumpstart a passion that got pushed aside. {Current pieces: How Great Thou Art & He Lifted Me} (2) RELATIONSHIPS - I love my people. I love just being with my people. Who are my people? My church family, clients I clean for, etc....the folks I’m around on a very frequent basis. Since this COVID-19 pandemic began to sweep the nation with unmerciful fervor, I’ve been seeking to social distance myself as much as possible ... although I’m single and live alone, I’ve never known prolonged loneliness/isolation like this. But COVID-19 has put the brakes on my dependence upon close human interaction. I have social media, FaceTime, my cell phone, and a day or 2 of work; however, the ability to just be with folks whenever I choose to be with them has been stripped away from me, for now. I HATE IT!!! (& it’s only begun, I’m afraid) ... What I’m learning through it, though, probably couldn’t be learned any other way for someone with my personality. In these early days of social distancing - which if everyone would do it, it would help flatten the curve of this pandemic - I’m learning that I MUST rely & depend on one relationship alone ... & that’s my relationship with Jesus Christ. I can’t utterly depend on my church family, my friends, or even my person doing this study with me ... if I do, I’m - inadvertently - putting them where God alone belongs ... and to do that is gross idolatry. (3) PRAYER - this concept/topic has always been foreign/confusing/difficult for me. One of the first questions I’ve had about prayer has been “why pray when God knows anyway”...I wasn’t asking in arrogance; it just never really made much sense to me. Then the next question got me nothing but blank stares or abstract answers. That question was “well, how do you pray”....The point behind that question was 2 fold. First, praying amiss gets you nowhere....You’re basically just wasting your breath. Second, vain praying is a sin. The first question was usually answered with “because we’re commanded to pray” or “it keeps the lines of communication open between you and God” ... this didn’t help my dilemma! Recently, I was told - basically - that God wanted/desired to hear from me. I thought: “REALLY?!?! That’s crazy! It’s a good crazy, but still...it’s crazy!” This began to increase my interest in this practice of prayer {please note that I’m referring to something deeper than just asking God for healing of a loved one}.... Praying seemed to come natural for folks at church & for my Freedom Session person. What I couldn’t understand was how they could talk to God so freely/openly/honestly/naturally, why they actually thought God would pay attention, and why was it emotional for them (at times). The answer came from my Freedom Session person in 2 ways: [1] She said: “Prayer is sometimes as simple as just being with God.” THIS is when I realized that it’s not the words that make the prayer right, but rather it’s the relationship that makes the prayer right. [2] We (she, mainly, with me listening) went through Psalm 103 one evening. Every few lines/verses, I listened to a daughter adore/exalt her Heavenly Father. She invited me in to join her, & I was terrified! what if I said the wrong thing? What if I sounded stupid and stumbled over words? What if, what if, what if??? ... but she persevered with me & she (with God’s help and by His grace) broke a barrier down that’s been up for years....for decades! I still struggle with prayer - but it’s now more of a struggle that deals with consistency and focus rather than a struggle with the mechanics and logistics of prayer. SO ... how long will COVID-19 be around causing mass chaos? No one knows for sure (except God). What I do know is that there’s great potential for character building in the midst of life’s most chaotic moments/seasons.....whether it be worldwide chaos, personal chaos, or both at the same time. The only question that remains is this: Will you/I hold on to enough hope in the chaos to allow the LORD of glory to have HIS way in our lives? ... for His great glory alone from one pilgrim to another ... Soli Deo Gloria!
1 Comment
Laura Schular
3/19/2020 11:00:41 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.❤️
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